Today I spent half the day in bed in fear. Dreading the phone call that I was certain was going to come today.
My stomach was in knots and I think I even gave myself a fever.
On Friday I had my final 3-month appointment with my dermatologist. It went pretty well, she burned a wart, froze something else (I forget what it was) and she also cut something off that looked funny. That was the one I was concerned about. The one that looked, and acted, funny.
I tried to put it out of my mind, knowing that it would be several days before I would hear anything, but that’s never possible, is it? When I woke up today, I knew today would be the day I heard. As the day went on I began feeling physically worse and worse. My stomach was upset and I took medication for that and then I began to feel feverish and took myself to bed.
About 3:00 the call came. Not melanoma again. It was “pre-cancerous.” Something that we’ll keep an eye on, but it should be fine. Fine.
Blah blah blah was all I heard after I heard “not melanoma.” And I rushed to hang up.
That second I began sobbing. The relief I felt was almost overwhelming. I sat and cried and cried while my dogs jumped all over me and curled up in my lap and whined. They licked my tears – the tears that kept coming. The snuggled me and nuzzled me and did everything they could to make me feel better.
What I realized is that I have spent this last year, since the melanoma diagnosis and surgery, examining my body. Every new freckle a cause for intense alarm. I have gone into every doctor appointment ready with my list of concerns. This thing over my left eye. This other thing right next to the last melanoma. What about this on my leg.
I’m on red alert always.
The funny thing is – I know better. I wrote this post a year ago about clean pain vs. dirty pain when I was diagnosed with melanoma in the first place.. I know what it means to actually have something wrong with you (clean pain) and what it means to make up a story about it (dirty pain). And try as I might to avoid it, this past year I have lived in dirty pain.
That ends now. I’m ready to be FREE from dirty pain. Ready to move on thinking health and well-being thoughts instead of cancer thoughts. Ready to raise my vibration to one of love for my body instead of suspicion about it. I know what needs to be done and I’m finally ready to do it.